Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
my liver is dry heaving
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
