an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
