hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
