When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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