I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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