You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
