We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
it's like iHOP with fire
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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