I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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