before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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