Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
