i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
