I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
