Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize