i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
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