she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize