Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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