it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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