Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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