if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
How does one acquire holy water?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
