Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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