Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
