hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
