I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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