I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
