so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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