It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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