Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
