I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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