Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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