omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize