For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
