you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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