worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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