just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Randomize
