Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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