Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The power of my boobs compel you
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