Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
