Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
