I swear god or herbie drove my car home
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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