Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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