I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Randomize
