the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I need water and some morals
we're so committed to being not committed
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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