got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
