My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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