Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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