I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
We were destined to go to rehab together
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
