My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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