does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He passed out mid-signature
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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