it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
