I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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