Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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