Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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