"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
