Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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