i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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