You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
